Endurance

Posted on December 12, 2013 under Reflections

Had an interesting conversation with rubberfreak this weekend about how long we each last in bondage. He had just done this scene with Rocket, in which he was apparently in that position for a few hours, and was sore for it for several hours after. I look up to both of them a lot, and almost every scene of theirs I hear about is incredibly horny. But I feel like a wimp when I hear about what they put each other through, when rubberfreak says things like "Yeah I don't get much of a choice." Often enough I'm asking Sir to be let out of things from something falling asleep or from cramps starting to come up. A lot of the time I take it as a challenge to last as long as Sir wants, but thinking in this context it's easier to recall all the times I've 'wimped out.'

I think it's more healthy to think of it as a personal preference though, than in terms of who can take more pain, or who has more endurance. I've seen people getting turned on from the cramps they get in a straitjacket. For me though, when those shoulder cramps start setting in I tend to want out.

I also tend to have low blood flow issues, my limbs fall asleep easily and I'm prone to getting lightheaded. When I was a college swimmer my event was the 500 yard freestyle. I was a distance swimmer and I took great pride in my endurance, but even for all that I still had these weird blood pressure problems, so I'm not sure if there's anything to be done for it. Unfortunately as Sir can tell you, it can put a damper on play sometimes too.

It became an issue this weekend when we got to playing with suspension and in one instance I started feeling lightheaded. Sensory deprivation while suspended in a straitjacket has always been a fantasy of mine, unfortunately in another instance I only lasted about 40 minutes before the harness started being unbearable. It's something I wish I could power through but in this case it'd probably be dangerous to try.

As I've written on here before, pain is a weird thing. Most of the time I love predicament bondage, electro, cock and ball torture, and nipple torture. But it has to be in the right context. The really intense pain play has to be part of an ordeal journey. Predicaments for me can just as easily be miserable or incredibly horny. Sometimes you even need to power through the miserable bit to get to the horny bit. One week we did a stress position with heavy metal stocks and I lasted an hour, and the endorphin high afterward was incredible. The next time we tried it I was miserable after 15 minutes.

So cramps and the like from bondage can be in this weird gray area of deliberate pain, because of course bondage can lead to cramps, and accidental pain from straps pinching, limbs falling asleep, and so on. I've learned that there's always going to be people who are a lot more into this or that than I'll ever be, so I think it's much better to put it in terms of personal preference than who's the most hardcore. Some people really get off on the cramps and awkward positions, but for me I like my bondage cozy yet restrictive and my pain deliberate.

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You can't get it done

Posted on March 08, 2013 under Reflections

If could just get that new piece of gear... If I could just find a keyholder... If I could just find the right boy... I'd finally be happy!

Well, that's not really the whole story, is it?

That new piece of gear doesn't get you as hard as it used to, but ooh, there's that other toy over there! And now that I've been locked up for a few weeks I've become accustomed to it... Or those scenes with the perfect Sir aren't quite as amazing as our dynamic has slowly shifted...

So you keep shopping. Or you need to be constantly be re-negotiating with your play partners. But that's a good thing. Because you'll never be satisfied with having the same experience over and over again. You've got to get out there and do something new, and nothing else will make you feel good. You don't just get your happiness and be done with it, it's a never-ending adventure. And that's what makes it all so compelling.

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Releasing Control

Posted on December 12, 2012 under Reflections

I had a long post about jealousy typed up a few weeks ago but that's not really where I am right now. Honestly, the last few weeks with Sir have been pretty awesome. We've had some great scenes.

Everybody wants more scenes, or an amazing partner, or their friends to be less crazy, or--

Breathe.

Trust.

Two steps any sub worth their salt should be familiar with. At any given time there are 30-40 opportunities to get what we want right in front of us. We're just too busy being upset that we don't have it yet to see them.

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More Than Just Born This Way

Posted on July 16, 2012 under Reflections

... we intended to be this way.

When evaluating beliefs one of my favorite benchmarks is whether or not it is empowering. If I want to be a powerful being, then I should evaluate those beliefs on that basis.

And so the "Born This Way" argument has always felt a little weak to me. When someone says, "Why are you gay? Why are you kinky? Why don't you try being straight or vanilla like the rest of us?" it seems like a little bit of a cop-out to blame it on biology. To say I can't help it, that's just the way I am, that's just the hand I was dealt isn't empowering at all. If we are to be the wonderfully powerful beings that we are, this just doesn't hold up very well. To be upset that we cannot live up to their expectations is a weakness, it just doesn't feel good at all.

But to say we came into this world so fiercely intending to be who we are that we created within ourselves desires and wants that could not possibly be mistaken for anybody else's, or to say we chose these things so that we could come into a better understanding of all that can possibly be, and to live in such a way that we can say without any doubt that it is our own, that is truly empowering.

We came into this world intending to be leathermen, rubbermen, gear heads, and gay men. We knew that going through all the struggles that those identities entail would bring us into an even deeper and wonderful understanding of who we truly are. We knew that setting up that journey for ourselves would lead us to a more amazing and powerful place. We are men who have sex with men. Delightfully complicated sex, sometimes. What an immensely powerful act?! (issues of conflating masculinity and power aside...)

We are so powerful that we can even choose bondage. Some people choose the bondage of despair and depression almost by default, because that is what society expects of them.

It can be quite a journey, but it is so much more delicious to choose the sexy kind of bondage, the kind with lovers and straps and locks!

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First Experiences

Posted on January 15, 2012 under Reflections

So between Tynan Fox's post here and Vagabondage moving back to Chicago, I thiought it'd be cute to write about my first experiences in kink-land.

I was kind of scurred of meeting people off the internets, hence waiting until I was almost 22 to do this, but I finally sacked up and accidentally double booked myself for an evening in oh... July '08ish. The first date we'll just say was not notable, but after that I got to meet Vagabondage and his adorable bio-doggy!

And have my first scene! That I topped in... But holycowmyfirstscene! I put him in my neoprene sleepsack and jerked him off. It was a sooper simple scene, but hey it was my first and it was fun!

My second scene ever was with Vagabondage again. We met up shortly after, I think it was during some Puerto Rican pride thing, I remember hearing fireworks going off outside his apartment. He seems to think we wasn't this rough on me for my first bottoming experience, but I maintain that this was indeed the first...

My legs we tied spread apart on his bed, and I was sitting up with my arms tied behind by back and to the headboard. Then I was put in a muzzle with a rope attaching the muzzle through a pulley to my balls. So it was a fun stress position, and any struggling was felt on my balls. So of course Vagabondage alternated between tickling me, edging me, and whacking my thighs with a riding crop! It was pretty awesome, and we became regular play partners.

Amusingly, at my first Chicago Rubbermen Night was when I met Sir, who lent me a rubber t-shirt! So two of the people I'm closest with were among the first I met in kink-land. The Universe is cute that way!

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The Submissive's Dilemma

Posted on December 23, 2011 under Reflections

There seem to be two very common themes in kink-land. Everyone seems to want more frequent play, and the ratio of doms to subs is very much skewed towards the doms. I'm noticing, after being chastity for 8+ months now, which I'm sure is a factor, it's really easy to find bottoms to tie up. I don't really have to extend myself to find opportunities to tie someone up. Those opportunities seem to flow fairly naturally to me, and I think this tends to happen frequently to people that switch like I do.

So it's easy to take this stance that I don't need to seek out domming situations, they simply come to me. The onus is pretty much on the bottom to seek me out. But recently I've been realizing that I also tend to turn around and wonder why people aren't approaching me as frequently about tying me up. So putting the two thoughts together, I suppose I need to be less shy about getting people to tie me up.

I'm not saying this is anything wildly profound, just one of those wonderfully simply realizations. It's also kind of weird too, that it's the submissive that more often than not needs to be the instigator. If you're submissive like I am, you'd like nothing more than to be told when to show up and not having a clue what's going to happen other than knowing that it's going to be a wonderfully hot challenge. And of course such a scene isn't practical until you've found a dom that's intimately familiar with how all your buttons work, not to mention one that has the initiative to put it all together for you.

I'm curious if it's a product of the dom/sub ratio, or some product of how doms and subs interact with each other. Or perhaps it's simply a product of how I interact with people and the circles I travel in. It may be interesting at some point to try and take the attitude that subbing opportunities flow naturally to me, and see what sort of effect that has.

For now however, I shall challenge myself to be less shy about asking for those wonderful subbing opportunities.

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6 Months of Chastity

Posted on November 03, 2011 under Reflections

Last week marked an important milestone for Sir and me. Last winter I pitched the idea of being in chastity for 6 months, plus some potential punishment time. After finally getting a chastity device I liked, and double checking my dick was happy with it (which is a whole other story...), I gave my dick over to Sir on April 27.

Did I mention some potential punishment time? I completely let when I'd orgasm up to Sir, but we agreed that an orgasm with his blessing would add 1 week, an orgasm at an event weekend with his blessing would add 2 weeks, and any other orgasms would add 3 weeks. I think about halfway through the summer I had already added about 2 months more to my sentence. Mostly from being bad at letting Sir know when to stop edging me. Or the two of us getting so worked up in a scene that Sir just let me cum anyway.

Also worth noting is that Sir wasn't Sir until about 2 months into this. I was very excited and honored when he asked to collar me. It's been pretty fabulous so far, he's certainly become my best friend here in Chicago over the last year or so.

Which of course also led to a conversation we had about 4 months into our 6+ month arrangement. One very horny afternoon for the both of us, which I can remember quite clearly from the nervous excitement, we agreed that it'd be really fun to just keep me locked up indefinitely. So while last Thursday marks the end of the 6 month period, and while with the punishments my release probably would've been pushed back into next year, we decided that for the foreseeable future I wouldn't be let out anyway. The idea of not being able to masturbate again still gets me hard every time (though Sir and I were talking last night about a scene where I would masturbate myself in front of him and cum all over him...).

Needless to say we're both extremely happy with the situation. I was just now thinking, I don't really fantasize about chastity anymore, I'm living it as much as I'd ever want to. Reading chastity stories still gets me wound up, which is always fun, but now one of those stories could just as well be about me.

Sir and I also had an interesting conversation last night while he was edging me. I suspect I'm too left brained to ever get to a point where I'm begging to cum. Sir had me deliciously close for a while, and whenever he asked if I wanted to cum I kept saying it was up to him. I'm just as happy wanting to cum as I am cumming. Which isn't to say I haven't had some amazing orgasms (and I don't cum quietly, as Sir's housemates can attest...) , but I really like the idea that he's completely in charge of them. I don't really want to ask for one of beg for one, it almost takes me out of the ever important sub headspace. Who am I to suggest when Sir lets his dick shoot?

So it's been a really horny experience. I'm pretty much living out a fantasy. Sir and I both still deliriously happy about the situation.

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So even after playing around with it for 3 years I'm still not sure I understand the pain I like and the pain I don't like. It doesn't help that the pain I do like is this weird place between the two.

The pains I don't like are people just screwing around at an event. If we're at the bar and you come up an start playing with my nipples I'll probably get pissed at you. I used to just let people do it, but in the last few months I've decided to stop people. I noticed I kept leaving events angry from people just doing shit to me.

Though the asking people to stop playing with your nipples or biting you in public has it's own set of annoyances. Apparently it's hard to overcome that reputation. At one party I wound up launching an unsuspecting puppy-in-a-straitjacket out of my lap in an effort to get away. I also had someone tell me "I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it," isn't a good safeword. Err, sorry, how can I be more clear?

Mildly related note, things like "No means no unless you're hard," and "No safeword" are giant pet peeves of mine. Like hazing fantasies, I understand it gets you hard, but it doesn't really send a good message about how realistic such notions actually are...

So the pains I do like... Contrary to the previous note about just screwing around, sometimes if I'm really into some heavy petting a good bite can be great. And I've got the marks to show it from a particular rapidly-becoming-more-than-friends-puppy. Though I think in general I like pain in more deliberate forms, as part of a controlled scene. Best of all is if I'm restrained.

I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think if I have to hold back my reaction to pain, that equates to me holding it in, bottling it up and internalizing it. Which is less than fun. If I'm tied down and mostly immobile though, I can let it out without having to control myself. The restraints control me, and I can let the cathartic aspects of the pain right out.

So it's weird not liking it sometimes, and liking it other times. And even harder to explain to other people when I don't entirely understand it myself. It doesn't help when you say things like "You're going to have to tie me down if you want to hit my balls like that," and all the other person hears is "You're going to have to tie me down if you want to hit my balls like that."

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Wherein boys are like onions

Posted on June 10, 2011 under Reflections

“So is that [collar] cause you got a motorcycle? Are you going to join one of those gangs?”

Ugh. Yeah, not going to bother explaining D/s to a cow-orker who's more likely to laugh it off than to try and understand. But I've been thinking about it a little bit lately, and how I handle the D/s relationships I enter into. Especially since I just recently entered into one. Last week I accepted Chicagogear's collar, I could bubble about how awesome the whole thing is, but I'll spare you.

I've been thinking, there's a lot of layers to a D/s relationship. Each one builds on the next, and each one must respect the bounds of the previous layers.

On one level Sir and I have been friends for three years. That's grown over the last couple of months as we've become dumping grounds for each other, of stuff that's bugging us. He's also become part of my decision making process, I wonder what Sir would think about this solution? This is also the level where while we may be close, we also respect that we're individuals. We're not going to try and control the other's finances, and we recognize that we have other relationships in our lives like family and other friends.

The next level is where our kink interests overlap quite well. Sir is into some things I'm not into, like piss play, but I'm willing to indulge him and pee in his mouth anyway. He's not interested in the pain play that I enjoy, but he's more than willing to give my balls a good whack. In this vein, even though he's my Sir, I still dom him and tie him up too every now and then.

And then there's the top level, where I serve Sir and he keeps me in line. I wear his collar, and then probably the most significant part of this is that he keeps me locked up in chastity, something we both enjoy immensely. For the most part though we're very informal. I think most of the orders he's given me so far are to get ice and mix drinks in our rooms at IML. And I'm very happy to serve in that capacity, as I have trouble maintaining role play for any length of time (despite everyone telling me I'm going to become a pup). For the most part though we relate to each other as kinky friends, and he usually winds up tying me a lot more frequently than I tie him.

So that's how I think about the relationship. And I think Sir and I are mostly on the same page here too. It's certainly not as formal as what I've heard and seen in Old Guard relationships, but a lot of kink is throwing out the rules and finding what works and turns you on, right?

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Analyzing my Fetish

Posted on March 17, 2011 under Reflections

Had a kink-curious friend over recently for a weekend of kink-exploration. Many thanks to all my friends who made him feel welcome! We had a small conversation processing what he experienced with the little play we wound up doing. Thought it might be fun to reflect here what I get out of kink, and how I think about it. The prompts for these were specific questions my friend asked, but hopefully I've made them make sense in this format as well.

The big disclaimer here is of course this all reflects on my experience and how I operate. Everyone has their own tastes, everyone processes their kinks differently, and everyone is wired a little differently. This is certainly not the One True Path.

Usually after a scene I'm in a euphoric state that feels slightly disconnected from consensus reality. In pagan-land (and psychology-land I guess) it's called a liminal state. It takes some time to come down from. The pagans recommend eating or hugging a tree. I usually just sleep, cuddle, or wait it out.

The pain I experience after a scene depends on the pain play that was going on. Ball torture yields sore balls, tit torture yields sore tits, and so on. Usually if my balls are tied off or I've got tit clamps on I'll want them off right after an orgasm. Though I do like to just relax in the bondage after an orgasm.

Additionally, some forms of pain play aren't even erotic for me. Chest punching and flogging are more about what sort of headspace I can get into and what my body can withstand.

That said it's hard for me to stay aroused without some form of bondage and pain play. The orgasm is not necessarily important, but it can be greatly intensified from either the head space or from edging.

I greatly enjoy various forms of cum control. Sometimes after a scene the top will just lock me up in chastity and I don't get to cum for several weeks. It's frustrating, but the frustrating aspect of orgasm denial turns me on. I like the idea of my orgasms being completely controlled by my top.

And some times tops can't even figure out how to get me off, which is fine since I still enjoy the bondage and the pain play. The orgasm isn't necessarily the end goal.

So the two big components for me are relinquishing control, sort of an escapism, and exploring myself. Exploring what limits I can stretch my body to, and exploring with my own consciousness and what sort of mental states I can get into.

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My Mom is Awesome

Posted on January 18, 2011 under Reflections

So my Mom is pretty awesome. Admittedly, she did not take my coming out sophomore year of High School very well. (You're still on that?!) We're a Catholic family, but the lesson from Catholicism that got applied here is that no matter what, we're family. So I'm very grateful that I'm out gay to my parents and still have a great relationship with them. And now for the bonus: I'm out kinky to them as of this winter as well!

A few years back my brother got a tattoo on his back (I swear this is relevant). It's just a lil' 6" tall thing just at the base of his neck. My Mom hates it though. First time she saw it she stormed out of the room and barely mentions it since. She and my brother are pretty close, but I think this is one point of contention between them.

Fast forward to Christmas dinner where I was talking with my parents about my upcoming travels. My Mom asks what this event is in DC that I go to every year. I had probably made the mistake of just referring to it as "an event" a bit too obviously, oh well. I decide to go for broke...

"Mid-Atlantic Leather,"
"Oh. Is that an event where everyone wears leather?"
"Pretty much,"
"I didn't know you were into that. You don't have any tattoos too do you?"

So now Mommy knows I'm a kink! Didn't get into too much detail, which is nice. Amusingly, a tattoo is apparently more of a concern than wearing leather. I suspect she doesn't know what all that could entail, but if she prods further I'll probably wind up invoking the Mother's Right Not to Know. The bonus now though is I don't have to be so vague when I say things like "Oh yeah, Memorial Day weekend is never going to be a free weekend for me..." Or "Please stay out of that closet, that's where I keep my leather, and assorted toys..."

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Rhymes with Blastoise

Posted on January 11, 2011 under Reflections

So I never had any particular interest in anal sex. Which I always thought made me a bad gay. Then I met a few kinks with pretty much the same mentality. There's so many more exciting things than anal sex. Like autojackers and milking and edging. Rawr!

Butt! I've always had this fantasy involving a plug being locked in my ass. It's another thing a top can control on me. Another way they can remind me who is in control. Another very prominent way, in fact. There's no mistaking that full feeling.

So I bought some ass toys a few weeks back. Was quite fun to explore, really. They're hollow, so it's really interesting feeling a cavity there where my mind usually expects... umm... ass! Anyway, got a set of five plugs, going up to 2" in diameter. Much to my surprise I had worked my way up to the 2" plug in a little more than a week. Apparently my hole is as stretchy as my skin.

It's an interesting sensation to explore. And one of my play buddies has already incorporated it into our play. (Okay, really he's been wanting to plow me for a while...) If you saw me out at the bar last Sunday I was a little bit plugged, under his orders. And last time we played he tried some toys in me while I was in a rubber sleepsack. Was fun to play with! Almost as fun as the 4 hours of excruciating electro that followed!

So yeah, my mild interest in ass play is panning out. Fun times. Now I just have to fend off all the questions about fisting. Which wouldn't be too bad I guess, but not too high on my to do list either.

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Thoughts on Community

Posted on January 05, 2011 under Reflections

There's been a lot of discussion about the Leather Community in the fallout of this year's IML. If you're out of the loop, this year's IML winner is a transgendered man who uses a wheelchair. Let the record show that I think this is awesome.

I learned a lot about community from my college fraternity. Hazing jokes/fantasies aside, I'm still pretty involved with the fraternity; it's done a lot to shape who I am today. One of my more powerful experiences was discussing community at Undergraduate InterFraternity Institute. They defined it like this:

A dynamic whole that emerges when a group of people: participate in common practices; depend upon one another; make decisions together; identify themselves as something larger than the sum of their individual relationships; and commit themselves for the long term to their own, one another's, and the group's well being.

Which is a lot of fluff and bullshit. But the main thing I want to convey is that even with the broader pansexual BDSM community, we've all got similar interests, similar experiences, and similar challenges. We have similar formative and self-realization experiences. And in this society, we have a significant uphill battle to express our sexuality. We have to look out for each other's well being, even reaching across gender and fetish boundaries, whether we like it or not we are inextricably linked.

That I think creates a bond much deeper than any college fraternity. It's far more important than any particular gender, or fetish. I consider my fellow kinks to be brothers and sisters, people worthy of respect and dignity. We've all struggled to be who we are, and we're all struggling to figure out how best to express it. These are the things that make us a community.

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Wearing Sir's Collar

Posted on December 16, 2010 under Reflections

Collared Medium

Over labor day weekend I got a package in the mail. A chain collar with an open padlock. So I did what any sane person would do, I locked it around my neck. Which lead to an interesting weekend at my parent's.

Sir and I had met at Mr. Atlantic Leather last winter, had kept in contact, and decided to try something out. He'd collar me for the weeks coming up to Mr. International Rubber as a sort of trial period. It's the first time either of us had been in any sort of D/s relationship, so we're playing it kind of loose. Which has worked out swimmingly.

Labor day weekend was interesting. Mom couldn't figure out why I'd want to wear such a bulky necklace. My sister picked up on it right away, “Who's got the key to that?” It's kind of hard to explain outside of a kink context, right?

But it got even more fun when my brother visited with his family for a weekend. I had my 6 year old niece sitting on my lap at a restauruant. Of course she needs something to occupy herself with, and oh look, a shiny right on Uncle Johnny's neck! She of course wanted me to take it off so she could play with it. I had to explain that Uncle Johnny doesn't like to take it off, because it represents a bond with a very special friend. Meanwhile my brother is snickering at me in the background...

So aside from that, wearing a collar also has all sorts of amusing practical concerns. I also happen to enjoy running outside regularly before weightlifting. Big heavy chain collar + running? I thought people could hear me rattling from a mile away. And of course the lock would swing up and hit me in the chin, or right along the collar bone. No good.

The first remedy? I tried a couple different types of tape. Painter's tape I'd sweat off right away. Masking tape would pull on my chest hair and then sweat away. Maybe if I was smarter I would've tried athletic tape, but I'm much too lazy to make a whole trip out to the store just for that. The final solution: I attached a rubber band to the lock, and then tied that to my chest with a shoelace. Which interestingly enough doesn't show through my shirt, and provides enough tension that the lock doesn't bounce around wildly.

So ya, all the practical concerns aside (airport security is fun too), it's been a great experience. The collar seems to change weight throughout the day, whenever I remember it's there it gets heavier and reminds me that Sir has taken ownership of me. It's comforting, and it's part of me for the foreseeable future. Now if only there were more time for flying out and cuddling (among other things...) with Sir.

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Why I'm Out

Posted on December 07, 2010 under Reflections

I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.
--Audre Lorde

I've always liked that quote. Can't say I know a whole lot about it's context, but it's stuck with me for a while. (hey, I at least looked up who Audre Lorde is!)

There's this idea that hiding your sexuality, hiding who you are, can provide a shelter for you. If nobody knows what you really are, it can provide you some relief, to be able to pass as normal. And in some cases it may make sense to stay in the closet. A teenager dependant on her homophobic parents, for instance.

But that comes at a heavy cost. It's a huge facade to put up. It takes a tremendous amount of energy. You can't quite bury it, your guard has to always be up. And while you hope that it never crosses anyone else's mind, your sexuality and how to hide it is constantly at the forefront of your own thought process. It's no small burden.

Since I was in high school I've been out in as many places as I've been able to muster up the courage for. First my parents, then a close group of school friends. Finally the high school swim team (ya, that was an interesting practice...). And today, most of my family, my cow-orkers. I don't think I've been in the closet to someone I've considered a friend in more than 6 years.

The more we're visible, the more we're normalized, the more everyone is empowered to be who they are. The more other gays or kinks can be who they are. The more everyone can play with their own perceived gender boundaries.

Whenever possible I wear my gear right out to the bar (decency and weather permitting, of course). Maybe someone who thought they were a freak for wanting to wear that will see, and be empowered. It's this visibility that will really protect us.

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Finding the Community

Posted on December 03, 2010 under Reflections

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

So I actually knew that I was into bondage before I had made the realization that I was gay. I knew I liked to get tied. That escape artist at my brother's sibling weekend when I was 12? Had my mind reeling for days. Or those bondage games I'd play with a middle school friend. It certainly wasn't sexual at that point, mainly because I had no idea what sexual was for me, but I knew I was drawn to it.

The internet was a boon here as well. Being a young geek of course I researched the hell out of these weird interests. Jim Stewart's So I like to get tied up... so what?! was a big help. It was great to be able to verbalize, at least to myself, what this stuff was that was so exciting to me. To read someone else articulating their own similar interests was empowering, to say the least.

Not that I could ever say anything about any of this to anyone. I turned bright red when my friend left me tied up and her big brother found me. Or when I had myself tied up and it took me 10 minutes to answer my door from a “nap” when my mom had knocked. And there's really no good explanation for why you had a pile of belts under your pillow...

Then of course sophomore year of high school I came out. Found out who my real friends were. Went through two boyfriends in the span of 4 months. I'd show them pictures that excited me, but of course they wouldn't do those things to me. Tried once or twice in college, to the same effect. That was about the time that I swore off vanilla boyfriends. Four vanilla almost-boyfriends later I still couldn't get what I was looking for.

Finally I turned to some online personals on recon. Met up with a guy or two before one got me to go to an event with a group called the Chicago Rubbermen. He's since moved away, but we're still close friends, and he was the first person I got to play seriously with. Our interests overlapped fantastically. And not only that, he was my ambassador, he introduced me to all his friends and to the awesome rubber community here in Chicago. People I could be open about my perversions with.

This seems to be a recurring pattern: someone in the scene finds a new guy online, and brings him into the fold. Once your feet get wet, it's easy to find your own circle in the community. Once you know a few people at the events, it's easy to entrench yourself.

And maybe that's why events like Rubber Invasions are so fun. Dressing up, going out to the vanilla bars. Maybe you'll recruit someone? Maybe that cute across the bar will come over and ask about your outfit. And then you get another recruit to envelop into the fold, and then another angel gets its wings. Or flogger, or something.

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Tagged coming-out, community